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measure_by_measure
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Name: patty ann
Birthday: 5/15/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: taking pictures but more so trying to capture and convey every subtlety present, running, sunshine, reading, pens that write immediately, art, smiling, nature (particularly flowers), long walks, rain, early mornings and laying in bed until i'm ridiculously antsy, chapstick, snowflakes, fireflies, laughing...
Expertise: parallel parking.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
AIM:  pattycake2332
Member Since:
10/25/2005
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| it has been a little while since i've last posted. i go through stages where i want to continually post my thoughts and snippets of my life...but more so than not, i delete what i've written before i click the "save changes" button. yet i'm sure everyone experiences that...and it isn't any new or exciting revelation.
however...
i wish my heart contained a real "save changes" button on my life. God shows me something.... he lovingly hits my face a little, shakes me and tells me to wake up. i respond by pushing my pray button... over and over and over.... but i can never seem to save the changes.
unnecessary words clutter up journal entries and i delete the important phrases before i have had a chance to post what God has been trying to show me on my life.
God is big...too big. in fact.. it is a little unnerving to try to wrap my mind around Him. my nature constantly tries to bind my hands and mind into thinking that i can do this alone-walk through life and write out what i want to say.
then He changes it.
for example... i need cowboy boots now.
not really... i'm happy with flip-flops or running shoes.
but i am moving to nashville.
what?
that is exactly what i said.
i don't exactly think that God said to me.."patty..move to nashville," but i know for certain is he is telling me that i need to get out of here. and now...as i pray for clarity if this is in fact what He wants... doors are wildly being flown open.
i will show you:
1) i was thinking that i would move in june... an old friend contacts me and tell me that her roommate is happening to be getting married in june...and she now needs a roommate asap to move into her apartment in june.
2) i need a job? last night i met a shift manager from a nashville starbucks who promised me a job... on top of another starbucks that i had already lined up a job with.
3) my parents are supporting me? this is huge because according to my mother, i'm still not allowed to be going running alone or running outside (because i could get hit by a car).
i don't know why i continue to pray for clarity on this... God has shown me what He wants me to do over and over and over again. it is like i almost want Him to tell me no.
why?
because i'm scared.
i could easily list thousands of reasons why i'm scared... but as i wrote and deleted... all of them were a little ridiculous because i am confident that God will work through my worries.
and...
i'm also excited.
it is such a weird combination of emotions. i'm scared but excited of love... i'm scared but excited of moving far, far away.. i'm scared but excited of new friendships... i'm scared but excited of where journalism could or could not take me... i can go on and on.
this new adventure is something that i have desired to be a part of for far too long.
i'm in love with him... i'm happy.. i'm terrified...
for right now... for this moment...
i know i can at least click "save changes" on those thoughts.
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| life is short. however, at least for me, i've never truly tasted the timespan until this week.
i don't know what else to say.
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| my boss (at the newspaper) is one of the most wonderful men i have ever
met. his hair has been whitened by wisdom, curled by character and his
glasses, although not always rose-colored, have coached his eyes to
truly see all people with life and value. he has taught me much about
working as a journalist but more so to really see people and to engage
in life everyday.
summer left me spoiled- i painfully miss going into the office.
in other news, i have a dog now. well..it is technically not my dog, but i give it water sometimes..and occasionally i put food in its bowl-so i can somewhat claim it as mine, right? i suppose if it was a person, i would be kind-of like an aunt figure instead of a mom (if that even makes sense to anyone). i like dogs and i forgot the comfort and amazing companionship that they offer. joey will boldly stare me down as i catch her snacking on my running shoes and dry my tears by resting her head on my lap.
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monday + tuesday = two amazingly fantastic days.
it was breezey and beautiful outside and while i was happy to have finally reached your house,
i don't want our walk to end.
*come home soon*
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growing up sucks. bills? insurance? car payment? rent? career? etc. etc. i don't want to think about it anymore. *sigh* how i took for granted only having to worry about getting my school work finished on time.
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one year (plus one day) feels like a minute...
overwhelming change and growth: watched in fast-forward, packed into 60 seconds and i can see every frame of heart beats, breaks and aches that have restructured me.
my self.
my mind.
my being.
i am void of anger and regret because God has richly saturated my heart in a happiness that is continually spilling over, into every area of my life. if you so happen to stumble upon this particular blog one day, i pray that your heart is also unable to contain the amount of happiness found in life as well.
and now to reference some of my favorite lyrics by one of my favorite musicians-ben folds:
we'd hit the bottom
i thought it was my fault
and in a way i guess it was.
i'm just now finding out..what it was all about...
i opened my eyes and walked out the door
and the clouds came tumbling down
and it's
bye-bye...goodbye..i tried.
and i twisted it wrong just to make it right-
had to leave myself behind
i've been flying high all night.
so come pick me up...i've landed...
the daily dramas...you made from nothing
so nothing ever made them right
you liked to push me and talk me back down
until i believed i was the crazy one,
and in a way...
i really was.
but i opened my eyes and walked out the door...
and the clouds came tumbling down...
and it's
bye-bye...goodbye...i tried.
if you wrote me off i'd understand it
because i've been on some other planet..
so come pick me up...
i've landed.
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there are seven girls.
we meet at my apartment for approximately two hours and my dear friend abbey i have been given an amazing oppertunity to build relationships with these growing women.
God is sneaky. Though our group of girls are the target of growth- I feel like the one that is really being stretched. i'm shy and kind of awkward when i meet new people, so having to pour myself out into someone else-supposedly encouraging and building their hearts- is a new area of my life that feels so unfamiliar. this is not to say that i don't enjoy getting to know people or that i don't want to pour out my life; however, being placed in the position of leadership is uncomfortable and i feel clumsy.
yet i would rather be tripping over my words and spilling out sentences than to be comfortable and never learn how to walk while carrying a glass filled to the brim.
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| i hate small talk about the weather, but i really feel blessed with the small hiatus that the heat has taken. our little apartment grows quite hot at night..and i've enjoyed being able to fall asleep with a blanket over me again.
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alliance has been wonderful.
i never thought i could grow to love a small-ohio town as much as i have for the carnation city. yes-i just wrote it/referred to it as that...i have been brainwashed by festival board members and cantankerous writers.
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it has been fun living away from home.
i find a weird sense of enjoyment...almost a little rebellious even- in pulling off a shirt at night and letting it fall to the floor. if i want to let it rest there for a day..two days...etc. my floor has no qualms with clutter.
however i miss the mornings when i wake up earlier than my sister..and i can race down to her room and jump on her.
i miss her constant pleas for warm cookies and to get her a glass of milk-even when she is sitting less than a foot away from the cupboard...
i miss her blunt 17 year old advice that is far wiser than my own...
i miss our stupid fights over borrowing face wash or clothes...
i miss her endearing and ridiculous sense of humor that immediately can pull me out of a bad mood-no matter how i try to resist it...
*oh dearest...i wish i could see you everyday again*
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so many changes have been taking place in my life...things that i often find myself unsure of..but definitely that i'm anticipating more so than being anxious of.
i'm enjoying finding a smile in the newness and sometimes surfacing awkwardness...
learning what can make or break laughter...
and trying so hard to seek how Christ can show and give love..instead of only little me.
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this morning i bought a bottle of water strictly based upon the logo.
i'm pretty ridiculous.
and another thought... i'm not going back to school in the fall for the first time in my life.
weird.
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| today i forgot your middle name.
weird.
it rolled around on the tip of my tounge and lingered somewhere-
in some unopened drawer of memory.
i paused-but clearly it was lost.
catching glimpses of the ceiling and my breath-
it finally came to me.
what is that supposed to mean? which i suppose is a rhetorical question..and one i can easily answer myself...
but i guess this relates to my previous post:
i.don't.know.
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yesterday my boss had to shoot a fatal.
there was a fire in alliance-the parents were gone..the children were at home. the cause of the fire is still (to my knowledge) unknown.
i found his pictures were morbidly beautiful (how does that happen?). there was one in particular, the ladder propped up against the house and the flames shooting out of the window, gulpping him in... all you could really see were the bottoms of his legs.
there were four children in the house.
they were all encouraged to jump out of the house.
only two did.
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"can you still feel the butterflies?
can you still hear the last goodnight?" | | |
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